What I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by BeebeeThurlow
Summary: This is yet another of those fanfics where people type humorous scenes pertaining to unwritten rules that shouldn't be broken, and the consequences of what happens when they are. Enjoy! Rated M... for safety more than anything else. x3
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I own none of these whatsoever, though I sure as hell wish I did. x3 This is simply for entertainment purposes, and I apologise in advance if anybody is offended by what I type. As it is, I thoroughly look forward to updating this and my other Harry Potter fanfic regularly, or as regularly as I can. This one shall be updated in the order in which they appear below, and I will attempt to create some kind of scene for all of them. Of course... this will be difficult, especially as I don't know what or who some of them are talking about. x3 For this reason, some will be missed out. Most won't. Any suggestions for more 'rules' can be PMed or emailed to me. Thank you very much.

Enjoy!

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1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".  
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class  
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".  
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.  
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.  
6. I will not go to class skyclad.  
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.  
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".  
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".  
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.  
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.  
12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.  
13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.  
14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.  
15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.  
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.  
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".  
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".  
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".  
20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.  
21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.  
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.  
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.  
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.  
25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Owned!"  
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.  
27. I am not a tribble Aimagus.  
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.  
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.  
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.  
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.  
32. I will not lick Trevor.  
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.  
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".  
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.  
36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".  
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.  
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".  
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.  
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.  
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.  
42. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.  
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.  
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.  
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.  
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".  
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.  
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".  
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.  
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.  
51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.  
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.  
53. I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.  
54. My name is not Captain Subtext.  
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".  
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".  
57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.  
58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.  
59. I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.  
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.  
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I  
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the  
result would be.  
62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled "Firewhiskey".  
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not  
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.  
64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.  
65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.  
66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.  
67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder".  
68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.  
69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.  
70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.  
71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.  
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I  
will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".  
73. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".  
74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.  
75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.  
76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.  
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.  
77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".  
78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".  
79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.  
80. I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.  
81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.  
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does  
DEATH!!!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should  
answer.  
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.  
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.  
85. Ravenclaw's do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.  
86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.  
87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.  
88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.  
89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.  
90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.  
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".  
92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my  
hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".  
93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.  
94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.  
95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.  
96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what  
happens.  
97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.  
98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.  
99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.  
100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.  
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.  
102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.  
103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.  
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.  
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.  
106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.  
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.  
108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.  
109. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to  
see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in  
the common room.  
110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.  
111. I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.  
112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.  
113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.  
114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.  
115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.  
116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.  
117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.  
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.  
119. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.  
120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".  
121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.  
122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.  
123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.  
124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.  
125. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.  
126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.  
127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.  
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.  
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.  
130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.  
131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.  
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.  
133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".  
134. I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner.  
135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.  
136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.  
137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.  
138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.  
139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.  
140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.  
141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.  
142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.  
143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.  
144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.  
145. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.  
146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce  
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.  
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"  
148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.  
149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged  
him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.  
150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.


	2. Chapter 2

**Number One.**

_I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees"._

"WHO DID THIS?"

Professor McGonagall yelled as the Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Gryffindors all burst out laughing at the sight of the Hufflepuffs all attempting to swat bees away from themselves. A massive swarm of the flying pests had suddenly descended from the magical ceiling, and as the teachers all set about trying to rid the Great Hall of them, they had made straight for the Hufflepuffs. This was clearly someone's idea of a joke, for although the bees themselves didn't harm anybody, the spoons laying in front of each of the Hufflepuffs rose into the air and began jabbing at anyone they could reach, allowing the witches and wizards to believe that they were being stung.

"HELP!"

"I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES!"

"PROFESSOR! HELP!"

Cries of pain and distress could be heard from the Hufflepuffs, while tears of mirth rolled down the faces of the onlookers, not least the Golden Trio or rather… the two. While Ron and Harry laid their heads on the table and banged it with their fists, barely able to breathe, Hermione darted forwards and raised her wand at the same time as McGonagall, Flitwick and Snape, and together, the four of them rid the Great Hall of the bees, and the cutlery fell back to the tables with a clank.

Hermione stalked out, leaving Ron and Harry, still unable to breathe for laughing, to be marched out of the Great Hall by a stony faced Professor McGonagall to explain why exactly it was that they believed it would be humorous to covered the Hufflepuffs in bees and poke them with spoons.

Needless to say, when they returned to the common room, they were heroes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Number Two**

_No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class._

"Today, I will be teaching you. Good morning, class." Professor Grubbly-Plank barked from the front of Hagrid's hut.

"Good morning, Professor." The class replied, in unison, bar two pupils.

"G'day, mate!" Fred called, much to the amusement of his classmates.

"Crickey, it's a bloomin' beautiful day out 'ere, ain't it fellas?" George stated, before covering his mouth in fake horror and pointing to a first year that they had stunned and charmed a crocodile outfit onto, the youngster now beginning to stir on the floor a few metres away, only just coming round.

"CRICKEY! That one's a beauty!" Fred stared at the first year as though he hadn't been the one to stun and dress it, before attempting to hide a laugh as George rushed past him and tackled the young wizard.

"Now… you gotta… get your arms round… it's jaws, fellas… and then…" He trailed off as Grubbly-Plank stood over him, arms crossed.

"Mr and Mr Weasley! Report to Professor McGonagall at once!" She barked, watching them like a hawk as, to the cheers of their classmates, the two troublemakers began to make their way back to the castle.

The first year / crocodile rolled over, groaned, and fainted.


	4. Chapter 4

**Number Three**

_Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not 'an extra credit project for Herbology.'_

"How… many times have you been sent to my office this year, Mr and Mr Weasley?" Professor McGonagall asked, somewhat wearily, staring over at the two boys as Fred grinned and George, attempting to keep a straight face, counted on his fingers, soon running out of fingers.

"Erm… quite a few times, Professor."

"And how many weeks into the year is it, Mr and Mr Weasley?"

"Erm…"

"Two weeks, Mr Weasley. Two. Weeks." She snapped, rubbing at her forehead and giving a quiet sigh. "What have you done this time?" She asked, a moment or so later, reaching forward to take hold of the note that had been sent with the two troublemakers.

"…"

There was silence for a few minutes as she read, then re-read the note, before simply letting it drop from her grip, the slightly curled paper floating gently to her desk.

"I will, of course, be writing to your mother about this… and as your punishment, I think… I think that lines shall have to suffice… seeing as whatever punishment I put upon you, you'll just end up breaking some other rule…" She murmured, her voice now slightly muffled due to the fact that she had placed her forehead down upon the surface of the desk, her eyes closed, her hat tilting forwards a little but somehow managing to stay on her head.

"What do we have to write, Professor?" Fred asked, his voice gleeful. Lines were an easy punishment, besides, with a simple spell, they were written out extremely quickly.

Professor McGonagall sighed as she sat upright once more, her forehead a little red from where it had pressed against the desk, and she unfurled a scroll of parchment, dipping her quill into ink and beginning to write. She waited a few moments for it to dry, before curling it up once more and handing it over to George, gesturing weakly for the two of them to leave. No doubt she'd be seeing them again within the next day or so.

The twins toddled quite happily out of the door, closing it behind them and immediately unfurling the parchment, laughing slightly.

"Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not 'an extra credit project for Herbology.'" George read, laughing again as he and his brother began the walk back to the Gryffindor common rooms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Number Four**

_"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge._

"Y'know what… I really do think I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name." Harry stated thoughtfully, one day at breakfast in the Great Hall. Unfortunately for him, and even more unfortunately for Oliver, the two Weasley twins were passing him at that moment. They cast glances at one another, grinned, nodded, and scuttled off, still smirking.

"Erm… Harry?" Hermione, having noticed the twins leave, tugged on her friend's sleeve, swallowing softly. "I think… you just unleashed something horrendous upon the school… you'd better go warn Oliver… NOW."

-

Hehe… I'm so, SO sorry that this is so short, and that… it doesn't really mention what jokes they make. I'm more than slightly braindead. Again, I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me! *Hides*Hmm… I'm also sorry that the last reply came so late. I was… busy? Heh… so yeah. I'm sorry~! Then again, you know you love me, so it's all okay... x3


	6. Chapter 6

_Numbers five and six have been skipped._

**Number Seven**

_The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball._

Harry moved through the crowds with his date on his arm, smiling at everyone he saw, though the smile turned into a smirk when he saw Draco Malfoy standing in the crowd, pure hatred in his eyes, with Pansy Parkinson clinging to him like a bright green limpet. "Congratulations on the date, Malfoy." He murmured, chuckling under his breath, shaking his head a little before looking down at Parvati and smiling once more, leading her through the doors and onto the dance floor with the other three champions, nodding to Hermione and Krum when the music started and they began to dance.

He was beginning to wonder where Ron was, and wondering who his best friend was bringing as a date – the redhead had been oddly silent about the identity of his date, and Harry had, for a while, believed that he might be bringing his sister, if only to let her join in the fun, before Harry had seen her with Neville instead – when the doors to the Great Hall were thrown open, and someone near the doors screamed. The band, midway through the fifth song of the night, paused, the lead singer's eyes seemed to be bulging and the drummer dropped his drumsticks.

Ron entered the Great Hall, grinning, as he led the Giant Squid into the room, a heavy silence descended and pressing against everyone's eardrums. "Sorry I'm late." He called out, perfectly content, ignoring the stares to the best of his ability before swallowing loudly and nervously as Professor McGonagall pulled away from Dumbledore, having been dancing with the headmaster not minutes beforehand, and began to push through the crowds towards him. The silence was shattered by her voice, high pitched and shrill, her hair coming out of it's messy bun as she hurtled through the students to reach Ron, grabbing hold of him by the upper arm and dragging him out of the room.

The poor squid, it didn't know where it was, and was clearly beginning to struggle now that it was no longer in the water, and so Dumbledore waved his wand - where he'd been storing it in his robes was anybody's guess – and the creature disappeared, back to the watery depths of the lake. In the second silence that resounded now that the distressed professor and Ron had left, Dumbledore's voice was easily able to be heard, and his words caused laughter to break out from every direction, simply from how odd they were, mixed with the completely serious tone of voice in which he spoke them.

"The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball."


	7. Chapter 7

**Number Eight**

_I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."_

"Oww…"

"…"

"Oww…"

"…"

"Oww!"

"YES, HARRY, WE GET THE POINT!" Hermione snapped, turning to glare at Harry, who instantly pressed as far back in his chair as he was able to, eyes widening in shock. He stared at Hermione for a few moments before whining once more, lowering his gaze.

"But Hermione, it hurts…!" He whined, rubbing sub-consciously at the bloodied cuts on the back of his hand, wincing heavily a moment later and pressing the hand back into the large glass bowl of Murtlap essence that Hermione had so graciously provided him with when he had returned from his second night of detentions with Professor Umbridge.

"That's your own stupid fault, then, isn't it!" She barked in response, sending several first years running in fright out of the portrait hole, and more or less clearing the common room, the few remaining inhabitants now attempting to hide within the plushy confines of their armchairs. Hermione in a bad mood really was scary.

"But, Hermione-"

"No, Harry. It's your fault. You chose to do that to yourself. Tell me, what was the reasoning again? Hmm? I can't quite remember… Oh, that's right, if I ever want to remind myself, I can just look at your hand!" She snarled, slamming her book closed and heaving the heavy, dusty tome into her arms before prowling off to her dormitory, leaving Harry, appropriately humbled, to glance guiltily back down at his hand again, the words 'I told you I was hardcore.' carved into his skin.

"I think it looks cool." He muttered, before wincing again and allowing his hand to soak in the bowl of essence again.

-

_I'm so sorry! This is so late that it isn't even funny... hehe... worst bit is that I don't actually have any kind of excuse. nwn; I've just had kinda a lot of schoolwork. Yeah... that's it. owo So yeah! Please, do review and tell me if you like it so far, or if you haaaaate it._


	8. Chapter 8

**Number Nine**

_I will stop referring to showering as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.'_

Silence.

Always an ominous sound… er… ominous lack of sound when heard, or not heard, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Today was no different, and for one main reason.

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived… was nowhere to be seen by living eyes.

Of course, that didn't include the ghosts, and one of the ghosts was certainly able to see Harry Potter. A lot of him.

After all, he was moving in a slow circle under the hot water, ignoring the squeals of joy from the female ghost peeping out of the toilet, eyes wide behind her glasses, her cheeks slightly less transparent than usual in the ghost version of a blush. What he couldn't ignore, however, was the sudden flash of pain a few moments later as Myrtle smirked and pulled the chain of the toilet, causing the water to momentarily run at a scalding temperature, Harry yelping and darting out of the shower. Almost slipping on the tiled floor, he grabbed hold of the towel rail at the last moment, before muttering curses under his breath as he slipped a towel round himself and left the room, beginning to get dressed.

Half an hour later, he entered the common room, still glaring at anything that moved. Hermione blinked at his scowl, before raising an eyebrow. "What took you so long? Ron came down an hour ago."

"I was giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful." Harry growled, yelping for the second time that day as Hermione lifted a rather heavy tome from the table and whacked him round the head with it.

"Stop saying that! It's not funny any more, just annoying now."

She turned and stalked out of the common room, Harry following her, massaging the back of his head and muttering to himself in Parseltongue, if only to avoid being hit again.

"But it's true…"

* * *

**fyren galan** – Yes, he's dead, but for the sake of this, he and everyone else who died is alive. 8D Because it's just easier that way. Plus, I think everybody loves Wood… PFFT. I mean the person, of course.*Shifty eyes* Yes… that's what I mean… x3 Aaah… your reviews make me laugh. *Points to all above typing* Look! Look! It inspired me to write more, too! 8D

Yeeeeah… I love all you other reviewers, too. Nah, seriously, I do! I do! It's what inspires me to write more! Aaaand… before I ramble on too much… sure, because I haven't already… yeah, before I ramble on too much MORE, I would just like to say thank you to everyone who IS reading these, but please! Reviews give me a happy in my heart place!

Oh yah, one last thing. I'm sorry these updates keep taking too long, I'm just so damn laaaaaazy. x3

Love ye all, though.


	9. Chapter 9

**Number Ten**

_Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. 'Polishing my wand' is not._

"MR WEASLEY! Get to my office at once!"

Ron gulped, flinching as the portrait slammed shut. Damn, he'd been so sure that he wouldn't get caught… With a slight whine of dismay, he got to his feet, quickly rearranging his robes in front of himself and shuffling towards the portrait hole, trying to ignore the giggles and smirks of his fellow housemates. Admittedly, they didn't know what Professor McGonagall had just seen, but judging by Ron's bright red face and her comments of 'I'm going to need therapy,' in between finishing yelling and slamming the portrait shut, it was bad.

He arrived ten minutes or so later and knocked timidly on the door, peering inside when told to enter, his face mainly back to it's normal colour, though his ears were still a deep red.

"Mr… Mr Weasley. Sit down."

He did as he was told, and braced himself for the yelling that was sure to follow.

It didn't.

"Mr Weasley… dare I ask what you were doing?" Minerva McGonagall asked, apparently unable to look him in the eyes, instead staring at a spot over his shoulder. He took the same approach, staring at a crack in the wall behind her, as he replied, choosing to throw caution to the winds and try to get himself out of this.

"I was… er… polishing my wand, Professor."

She could practically hear the quotation marks in his voice, and made a slight face before forcing her features back into one of stern indifference, if such a face exists.

"Let me tell you this now, Mr Weasley. Polishing your wand in the common room is perfectly acceptable. … however, 'polishing your wand,' is not. Now… you won't be writing out lines, because I don't want to ever be reminded of this, and if you wrote out lines there's a chance I may see the parchment again. However… you need to be, for want of a better word, punished for your actions…"

Ron smirked, and the teacher opposite him refrained from rolling her eyes at the teenage-boy-fantasies that were more than likely running through his mind at the word 'punishment.'

"As such, I shall be writing home to your mother, and fifty points shall be taken from Gryffindor. You may leave."

He nodded and vamooshed, leaving a mentally scarred McGonagall to quickly pen a letter to Mrs Weasley, then withdraw the memory of the youngest red-headed male in the Weasley clan, from her mind, placed it in a glass vial, cast as many locking spells on the vial as she could think of, transformed the vial into a fish, then hurled it into the Great Lake from her window, where it would hopefully never be seen by anyone ever, ever again.

* * *

Yes, my dears, vamooshed is a word… it basically just means he got out of there as quickly as he could. x3 Unfortunately, my computer doesn't believe it to be a word, but I assure you, it is!

Aaah, fyren galan… your reviews make me laugh. Admittedly, it doesn't take much to make me laugh, but still! Be honoured! 8D


	10. Chapter 10

**Number Eleven**

_If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm._

"Harry's a Death Eater?"

"… that's impossible, he's the one that defeated You-Know-Who in the first place."

"Nnnrgh…"

"He's waking up! Run!"

The two second years ran, terrified, from the common room, while Ron turned quickly away from the awakening Chosen One, hiding his smirk.

"Wha…? Ron, what time's it?" He asked sleepily, sitting up and rubbing absentmindedly at his forearm.

"Uh… about eight? Yeah, about eight." Ron nodded, tilting his head to the side and smirking a little, chuckling and shrugging when Harry raised an eyebrow and inquired as to what was so funny. However, his eyes betrayed him and he glanced down at Harry's arm, then quickly back up at the younger male's face once more, but not quite quick enough for the movement not to be noticed.

"What the…? Oh, real mature, Ron. Real mature." Copying Hermione's approach to dealing with behaviour she didn't approve of, Harry picked up a nearby book and whacked Ron round the back of the head before standing and beginning to wander off.

"Oi, where're you going?" The redhead asked, rubbing the back of his head and glaring slightly at Harry.

"Gotta go wash this crap off, don't I?" He replied, gesturing to the slightly smudged Dark Mark and toddling off to the dormitory.

"Why do they always ruin my fun?" Ron grumbled, rolling his eyes a little before drifting off into sleep, dreaming about all the possibilities that Professor McGonagall might have meant whenever she mentioned punishment.


	11. Chapter 11

**Number Twelve**

_House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers._

"You alright there, Dobby?" Harry grinned, his smile widening when the happy little elf nodded back at him.

"Perfectly okay, Mr Harry Potter, sir!" He squeaked cheerfully, eyes wide and round with excitement. He'd never tried this before, the last time he'd come anywhere close to helping out this way, Professor McGonagall had stopped Fred and George before they'd had a chance to even begin.

And no, it's nothing like **that**, you perverted minded readers.

"All the spells on him, Ron?"

Harry's redheaded friend nodded, and with grins that were virtually identical in size if not just general happiness, they mounted their brooms, and were just about to lob the elf into the air, when…

"RONALD WEASLEY! HARRY POTTER! GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!"

Nope, it wasn't Professor McGonagall, for once. It was someone… even worse.

An angry, book wielding Hermione Granger.

"Oh shit."

"We're screwed."

Grins gone, and now with identical expressions of terror upon their faces, Harry and Ron slowly descended from the sky, placing Dobby on the floor, the elf instantly cracking away to the kitchens. He may be practically in love with Harry, but there was no way he was staying round to witness a scary girl who could very well be PMSing.

The scary girl in question had, at this point, arrived beside the two boys, and was now indulging in what was rapidly becoming routine for her – hitting the two males repeatedly over the head with her book, yelling at them in between the thuds of book against boy that occurred every few seconds.

"After – _thud_ – everything – _thud_ – you – _thud_ – told – _thud_ – me – _thud_ – you'd – _thud_ – do – _thud_ – for – _thud_ – SPEW – _thud_ – you're – _thud_ – using – _thud_– Dobby – _thud_ – as – _thud_ – a – _thud_– BLUDGER!" She screeched the last word at them at a frequency that caused Harry and Ron to be almost surprised that Fang hadn't come sprinting from Hagrid's hut.

Sharing glances, and more surprised than anything else that they could still walk after their attack, Ron and Harry quickly mounted their brooms once more and flew at top speed towards the castle, Hermione running along after them, spitting metaphorical feathers and continuing to screech.

"I'm not finished with you two yet! Mark my words! THIS IS NOT THE END OF THIS!"

* * *

Pissy Hermione is funny. x3


	12. Chapter 12

**Number Thirteen**

_Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept._

Exhausted from their Prefect duties, Ron and Hermione stumbled wearily down the train to the carriage that they had been informed Harry had gone to. What they saw when they entered, however, amused Ron just as much as it horrified Hermione.

"Bets, taking bets here!"

The entire carriage was full, all looking into one particular compartment. Fred's voice floated out of the aforementioned compartment, and, forcing their way through the packed walkway, Hermione and Ron entered to find Fred, George, Harry and Ginny all grinning, while Luna stared thoughtfully out of the window and Neville tried to find his toad in amongst the crush of pupils, some in their robes, some still in their Muggle clothing.

"Hey, Hermione! Hi, Ron! Hey, listen… Me and Ginny were coming down the train…"

"… when we met up with Neville, and Luna…"

"… and we were all looking for a compartment…"

"… but there were none empty…"

"… and Fred and George said we could share theirs!"

Harry and Ginny continued to smile at Ron and Hermione, completely ignoring, for the time being, the other pupils still present.

"What… did I hear about bets?" Hermione asked, somewhat warily, her gaze flicking to Fred and George before returning to Harry, then switching back as the redheaded twins began to speak, finishing each others sentences the same way Harry and Ginny had been doing so minutes beforehand.

"Well, you see…"

"… we realised that none of the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers…"

"… have lasted more than a year, right? …"

"… So, we decided to…"

"… for want of a better word, exploit…"

"… that knowledge, and takes bets on how long this years teacher will last!"

Ron laughed, pushing his way through the row of first years at the front and seating himself beside Harry. It was clear that he approved of the idea, very much. Hermione, on the other hand…

"What? That's horrible! It's… it's just horrible!"

"Best not tell her about the ones who bet on the fate, too…" This came from Harry, and received approving nods from the three original redheads, Ron blinking in confusion. Hermione had clearly heard, however, eyes widening in fury as she placed her hands on her hips and, shooing the remaining pupils away, slammed the compartment door shut then turned to face the inhabitants of the compartment.

"What… do you mean? 'Fate?'"

"Hermione, you're supposed to be the smart one. 'Fate' just means what's going to happen."

"I know that!" She barked, and Harry hastened to explain.

"What… what George means to say, Hermione, is that some people have placed bets on how… they think… the teacher will be chased away."

"Or killed." Ginny piped up, smirking as Hermione's eyes widened further.

"Right, you lot. I don't know what made you think that this is a good idea, but let me tell you this now. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, NOT a clever moneymaking concept. Is that clear?" She glared round at them all until they all nodded their agreements, murmuring apologies, or, in Harry's case, murmuring expletives under his breath in Parseltongue.

Pleased with her work, Hermione sat down next to Neville, who had now found Trevor and was holding him tightly in one hand. "Good. I'm glad we've got that cleared up. Now, then… ten Galleons on them lasting four months and three days, and getting trampled by Thestrals."

* * *

Whoa. I can't help but feel that this is somewhat important, though how, I don't know. x3 Minus this little Author's Notey thing, that little chapter was 666 words. Coincidence? I think not! Well, yeah, it is, but y'know. It's a nice fact. x3 Aaaaaanyway. I know I don't deserve it, due to how long you had to wait between Chapter... er... whatever it was and whatever Chapter it was I put up yesterday, or whenever, but... review? Please? For me? For me and the evil number of words this chapter had before I ruined the word count with all these ramblings?

As always, love ye all.

x


	13. Chapter 13

**Number Fourteen. **

_I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant._

Narrowly avoiding a powerful hex from Draco Malfoy, Harry immediately switched to a duelling stance, as did Malfoy, though the latter seemed to be expecting his Head of House to arrive any moment, for he certainly managed to switch to a more casual pose when Snape appeared moments later, his lips curving upwards into a smirk upon seeing Harry in such an odd position.

"Surely, Potter, you weren't intending on attacking me as I left my room? Inside, all of you, and… ten points from Gryffindor, hm?" He smirked once more, turning and heading back into the room, cloak billowing out behind him.

Seething, the Chosen One moved quickly into the classroom before he could get into any more trouble. Damn, class hadn't even started yet and he'd managed to lose points for Gryffindor. Had it not been for the incident in second year, with the Ford Anglia and the Whomping Willow, he probably would have thought that he'd made some kind of record. Of course, that wasn't including any of Fred and George's pranks, they'd lost points practically before they got on the Hogwarts Express before.

It was only natural, really, that Hermione would be the first ready for class, and the first to begin her potion when Professor Snape began to write the ingredients and method up on the board. What wasn't natural, however… was what she did before that.

"Sir?"

"… yes, Miss Granger?" Professor Severus Snape inquired of the witch that he so often imagined throttling, if only for her annoying obsession with knowing everything there was to know about… well, anything.

"Is today's potion suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"

The class went silent, before whispered conversations started out everywhere. Had she seriously asked that? Of Professor _Snape_?

"SILENCE!" The class obeyed, and the only noise was the sound of Professor Snape's shoes against the stone floor as he moved stealthily through the cauldrons, standing beside Hermione and bending down, whispering something into her ear.

"Oh, it is? That's good." She stated, at full volume, and Snape flinched. Clearly, he'd been hoping that the rest of the class wouldn't find that out… due to the question that he knew would come next.

"Sir? How… how do you know?"

"QUIET! Anybody who does not get at least halfway with this potion by the end of the class is in detention every night this week!" Snape barked, eyes wild with embarrassment and annoyance at the bushy haired female who now, smirking, bent over to begin with her potion, while Snape moved back to the front of the classroom, sat down and, having already had enough of the infernal children of this school, rested his forehead on the wood of the desk, whimpering faintly as he tried to send himself to his happy place.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for the amount that have been skipped, guys. Either I don't understand them – oooh, the embarrassment… – or I just can't really be bothered to do those ones, and I'd rather skip to ones that I would like to do, and which will therefore come out better!

* * *

_Numbers fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty one, and twenty two have been skipped._

**Number Twenty Three**

_I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class._

"Today, we shall be looking into… the beyond!"

Professor Trelawney waved her hands around in the air, clearly trying to be intimidating, or attempting to create an atmosphere of mystery. Needless to say, she failed miserably, and instead succeeded in looking completely and utterly ridiculous, and knocking an apparently-crystal-but-obviously-glass ball off one of the stands, the aforementioned ball rolling down the ladder and towards the stairs.

"Somebody! Get it!" She called, eyes wide, but nobody moved.

"No need, Professor. We all brought something… better." Dean chuckled, withdrawing something resembling a bowling ball from his bag, except one part was flat and clear, with some kind of liquid floating inside it.

"What… what are they, dear?" The confused teacher asked, peering round through her glasses as everyone else drew out the odd looking creations.

"They're Magic Eight Balls, Professor. They tell the truth. For example… Are Professor Trelawney's predictions about Harry dying going to come true?" Hermione spoke, asking the question to the Magic Eight Ball and giving it a shake, nodding a little. "See? It says she's lying."

Professor Trelawney, clearly bemused, hurried forwards and snatched the ball from Hermione's hands. She shook it once, looked into the screen, shook it again, looked into the screen, and again, frowning slightly.

"But… it's different every time!" She looked round, still confused, Hermione taking back her Magic Eight Ball.

"That's the magic of it, though, don't you see?" Hermione stated, with the air of explaining something to a mentally retarded two year old. "If somebody else got their hands on it, they wouldn't be able to know what the answer to the original question was! It will only have the answer available to whoever asked it first!" She smirked, clearly enjoying herself. "Who knows, Professor… it might be better at your job than you are."

With that, the bell signalling the end of class rang. They hadn't been in the room long, admittedly, but she had let them in late… and was now beginning to wish she hadn't let them in at all, abandoning her fourth period class to lock herself in her room and indulge in a bottle or two of sherry.


	15. Chapter 15

_Number twenty four has been skipped._

**Number Twenty Five**

_Tricking one of the school house elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine, even if I yell "Owned!"_

"Thank you. Hermione, Dobby… you may now leave."

The two nodded, Hermione stiffly, Dobby cheerfully, and Hermione left the room via the door, whilst Dobby simply Apparated to the kitchens. Dumbledore then turned to face Harry and Ron, both looking appropriately abashed, and clearly not looking forward to seeing Hermione again when they arrived back at the common room.

"Now, boys… I know that you meant well, and I know that Dobby wouldn't have minded, but unfortunately Miss Granger did. You know that she feels very strongly about SPEW, and I assume that you knew before you tried your… experiment that she wouldn't approve, had she known."

"We would have been kind to him, sir. Plus he likes me, so…"

Harry trailed off. His side of the argument sounded foolish even to him, so who knows how it would have sounded to the wise old Headmaster seated before him. Instead, he looked to Ron for help, but gained none whatsoever, the redhead merely shrugging at him.

"I know that, Harry. Unfortunately, however, it was still rather silly to attempt it." He wasn't angry, that much was clear by the sparkle in his eye and the smile upon his face, but Harry was still embarrassed.

"Now, then… I shall have to give you both lines, but you may write them out here, so as to give Miss Granger a bit of extra time to calm down before you have to go back to the Gryffindor common room and face her wrath. You shall write out 'Tricking one of the school house elves into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Owned!"' Now, while you're writing… would either of you like a sherbet lemon?"

* * *

Random note – and no, you don't have to read this – If any of you are even remotely curious as to why before these last few chapters, there have been none for a while, but all of a sudden I'm updating rapidly, it's because I won't be tired until past five AM, and it's now two forty-five AM. I have nothing else to do, as my boyfriend hasn't said anything on MSN for the past… I can't be bothered to do the maths, he hasn't said anything since about half past seven (PM). I know that he hasn't gone to bed yet, because he's five hours behind me, so right now it's about ten PM where he is, and his last message came to me at about half two PM where he is.

I literally have nothing else to do, and so I figure I may as well do something creative and try to make other people happy. Thank you if you did read that, though, but I don't blame you in the slightest if you didn't. x3 So… onwards and upwards, I do believe! Hopefully more chapters coming this way~!


	16. Chapter 16

_Numbers twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight, and twenty nine have been skipped._

Number Thirty

_Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar._

There came a knock at the door, and Remus Lupin looked up, looking somewhat ill.

"Come in…" He called, thinking that he knew who it was. To say that he wasn't disappointed would be the truth, in that he was correct when he guessed who it was, but would also be a lie, in that he was always disappointed when it was this particular person, as opposed to anybody else.

"I have your potion, Lupin." Severus Snape's lips curved up into a rather cruel smirk as he placed the goblet on Lupin's desk and pushed it towards the lycan, who immediately thanked his fellow teacher, raising the goblet to his lips and drinking deeply, giving a shudder at the disgusting taste of the liquid.

"You're… you're sure that sugar makes it useless?" He asked, glancing up at Snape, who ignored the question and instead took several steps forwards, placing both hands on the desk and leaning forwards, over Lupin, who swallowed nervously and, quickly draining the goblet and getting to his feet, moved over to the door.

"W-Well… thank you very, very much for that, you really are a life saver… but… er… I'm sure you have better things to be doing right now, am I right…?" He asked nervously, shrinking back slightly as Snape approached him, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Oh no, my dear Lupin… I have something else to give you…" He murmured, moving close to the werewolf and slipping his arms round the lycanthrope, causing him to swallow nervously once again. "Here…" Snape practically purred, hands sliding slowly up Remus' sides to rest at his throat, a click sounding out a moment later. Before Lupin had a chance to work out what had just happened, Snape was long gone, chuckling devilishly to himself as he hurried down the corridor, on his way back to the dungeons.

Poor Remus was left confused, catching sight of himself in the mirror in his bedroom and, slipping through the door of his office and into the aforementioned bedroom, placing his hands against the collar at his throat. Recognising the feel of the material, he then growled, ripping it off and glaring at the door, yelling out as loud as he could, knowing that Snape would be able to hear.

"Damnit, Severus, for the last time, I DON'T WANT A FLEA COLLAR!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Number Thirty One**

_I do not have a Dalek Patronus._

The Dementors swooped low upon the castle grounds, moving closer and closer to the groaning man on the floor. One by one, they drew in deep, rattling breaths, the man upon the floor writhing in agony and discomfort, doing his utmost to keep his mouth covered. One of the cloaked, hideous beasts swooped down low enough to grip the male's wrists and pull them away from his mouth. Lowering it's head, the Dementor moved as though to kiss the human, and then…

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A voice bellowed from off to one side. A bright white light shone, and the man who had come so close to receiving the Dementor's Kiss keeled over sideways and was unconscious within moments, though not before hearing the voice that had conjured the Patronus speak once more, this time in a somewhat mechanical voice.

"… exterminate…"

…

The next day, Harry Potter awoke in the hospital wing of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He gave a loud groan that caught the attention of Madam Pomfrey, who instantly hurried over from Sirius Black's bedside.

"How is he…?" Harry croaked, feeling worse than he looked.

"He'll recover, dear, but his mind's quite messed up at the moment… keeps saying he heard a Dalek, bless…" She chuckled, and Harry blinked.

"But he did."

"Nonsense, dear, now come, eat some of this delicious chocolate…"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Madam Pomfrey, you don't understand. He did hear a Dalek. It was my Patronus that he heard. My Patronus is a Dalek."

The nurse stared at him for several long seconds before deciding to simply humour him.

"Yes, dear, yes…"

She handed him his chocolate before going back to her office to send a message to Dumbledore, checking whether or not it was possible to have a Dalek Patronus.

* * *

Kinda short one here, guys! Sorry!


	18. Chapter 18

**Number Thirty Two**

_I will not lick Trevor._

"Neeeeeville."

Silence, aside from the scratching of Hermione's quill from across the room.

"… Neeeeville."

Again, the only sound to be heard was that of Hermione's quill.

"… NEVILLE!"

"What do you Two want him for?!" Hermione screeched, slamming down her quill and glaring across the room at Fred and George, who blinked then grinned at Hermione.

"We want to see Trevor."

This, apparently, was not what Hermione had been expecting to hear, for the looked somewhat surprised and, for just a moment, seemed to forget that she was supposed to be angry with them.

"Trevor? Why?"

"Alas, Hermione." The twins spoke in unison, then George continued speaking while Fred simply nodded wisely.

"That information, we cannot give."

Hermione eyed them suspiciously, then scooped up her books, shaking her head.

"Well… in any case, if you're going to continue making so much noise, I'm going to the library." She then, following her words, stalked out of the common room with her head held high.

Fred and George looked at one another and grinned.

"Find him?"

"Find him."

After searching the dormitories and common room thoroughly, however, they were forced to admit that Neville was nowhere in Gryffindor tower, and that his toad, too, had hopped it – if you'll excuse the pun. They were not to give up, though, no sir, and began to search the corridors. After an extensive search and a close shave with a bored Peeves, they struck both lucky and unlucky.

Lucky, for they found the toad that they'd been looking for, and unlucky, because just as Fred was raising the aforementioned toad to his tongue, there came the dreaded voice of Professor Snape.

"WEASLEYS!"

* * *

This might, unfortunately, be the first in a series of quite short chapters... I've started writing them out longhand after I go to my room at night, see, and I tend to rapidly finish the chapters when my hand starts to hurt, or when I run out of inspiration. Hopefully, though, they're still good.


	19. Chapter 19

_Numbers thirty three, thirty four, and thirty five have been skipped._

**Number Thirty Six**

_I will not change the password for the Prefect's bathroom to, 'Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.'_

Lily Evans was walking slowly down the corridor towards the Prefect's bathroom, rubbing at her eyes with one hand, the other hanging limp at her side. She was exhausted, it had been a long day, and all she wanted was to relax in a nice, hot hath, then go to bed and sleep all her troubles away.

Since when has life been that easy, though, in the era of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs?

"Pinefresh." She stated wearily, stood outside the bathroom. Head bowed and eyes half shut, she began to walk forwards, expecting the portrait to now be open.

It wasn't.

Quickly stifling her cry of surprise as she walked straight into the portrait, she blinked, then tried again.

"Pinefresh."

Nothing happened.

Beginning to get frustrated, Lily looked from side to side before noticing a piece of paper that certainly hadn't been there moments beforehand, lying on the floor by her feet. She picked it up, and, immediately recognising James Potter's handwriting, read out loud the words as she tried to make sense of them.

"Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty… What the?"

The last two words weren't on the parchment, but rather, were Lily's reaction to the portrait swinging open. She realised what had happened and rolled her eyes, stepping into the bathroom and calling out just as the portrait closer.

"I'm telling McGonagall, Marauders…"

In the now vacated corridor, hidden behind a tapestry posing as a wall, Sirius Black and James Potter were laughing, while Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew looked nervous, the former groaning slightly, the latter hopping from foot to foot.

"We could get detention for this…" This was from Remus.

"Who cares?" James replied, still chuckling, placing a hand over his head. "It was worth it just to hear my Lily say those words."


	20. Chapter 20

**Number Thirty Seven**

_There is no such thing as in invisibility thong._

Sirius sauntered through the halls, smirking to himself as he did so. Here came the moment of truth, he figured, swallowing nervously.

"Here goes…" He murmured, cracking his knuckles, then pushing the doors to the Great Hall open.

A collective gasp could be heard, and several girls around the room gave loud squeals of delight at the sight of the delectable Sirius Black, wearing absolutely nothing… except a thong.

Sirius peered round, tilting his head to the side, then groaning. Any other day, he would have loved this attention, but today, it meant that his experiment had failed.

"Aww, crud… it didn't work…" He groaned once more, giving a slight whine. He then paled slightly as Professor McGonagall stood from her seat at the teacher's table and strode down the gap between two tackles, eyes narrowed.

"Black, my office."

This time, the collective sound was a sigh from the girls of the hall as Sirius turned and walks out, closely followed by McGonagall. As the latter disappeared through the door, whispering could be heard from every part of the room, Professor Dumbledore simply chuckling, having recognised the material that the thong was made from.

"Aah… I have to say, I'm certainly surprised that he didn't attempt it sooner…" He murmured thoughtfully, before continuing with his meal, the other teachers looking at him with a mixture of confusion and bemusement.

…

Later that day, in the boy's dormitories, Sirius lay on his back on his bed, now fully clothed, and sighed. He looked up as James entered the room, and chuckled.

"Hey, what did McGonagall say?" James asked eagerly, plopping down onto his own bed and looking over at Sirius with an expression of amusement and awe.

"Told me there's no such thing as an invisibility thong, and that I should never try to make and wear one ever again."

"Aah… shame. You should've seen the expression on Lily's face, though, I thought she was going to start drooling…" Remus cut in, entering the room, while he and Sirius then laughed at James' scandalized expression.

* * *

I would like to point out that this was, originally, Harry in the place of Sirius, Ginny in the place of Lily, Ron in the place of James, and Remus in the place of Seamus.

However, as a present to my favourite – and only – reviewer, fyren galan, it's been switched to the Marauder era.

You're so damn epic, m'dear.

And I want to know what would happen if someone were to lick a toad, too. Maybe I'll find out one day. Hope ye enjoyed it! (The chapter, not licking the toad. Although, I don't know… hmm…)


	21. Chapter 21

_Numbers thirty eight, thirty nine, forty, and forty one have been skipped._

**Number Forty Two**

'_42' is not the answer to every question in the O.W.L's._

Hermione bolted out of the Great Hall as soon as she could, much to the annoyance of Harry and Ron. They soon caught up with her, however, when she came to a halt by the side of the lake, seating herself in the shade of one of the trees.

"Oh no, I just know that I got at least one question wrong…"

She moaned, wringing her hands and staring out over the water.

"Relax, 'Mione. I'm sure you did fine."

Ron muttered, Harry nodding his agreement.

"Unlike me." The Chosen One continued, absentmindedly, blinking as both Ron and Hermione turned to stare at him.

"Harry, it was Defence Against the Dark Arts. If anyone'll pass, it'll be you." Ron reassured him.

However, later that week…

"Really, Potter, you should have done better… which is why we're giving you the chance to retake your Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L." McGonagall concluded, peering over at Harry as he fidgeted on his chair.

"Thank you, Professor… I'd like to retake it, yes." He nodded, trying not to cower under her sharp gaze.

"I expect you to _try_ this time, Mr Potter." McGonagall then gestured to Harry that he was free to go and, of course, he vamooshed.

…

"Harry! What were you thinking?"

Harry looked up, wearily, from his book, gesturing to it as he spoke.

"Hermione… please."

It was now later in the evening, and Harry was attempting to study for his DADA retake. 'Attempting' was definitely the keyword here, for every time he managed to actually focus on his textbook, some other distraction came his way. This time, it was Hermione.

"Guess who I just saw? Malfoy. Gloating to Crabbe and Goyle about how you have to retake your Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. Of course, I intervened and told them not to lie, but McGonagall turned up at that point, saying something about you putting the same answer for every question!" Hermione snarled, eyes fixed upon Harry who immediately placed a cushion behind his head, noting that she was holding a heavy-looking book in her arms.

"I put '42' for every answer, Hermione. For a laugh. I knew they'd let me retake the exam, so… so…" He trailed off at the expression on her face.

Either Hermione was unable to say anything, or unwilling, simply turning and walking away. Relieved, Harry put down the cushion – a tad too early, for at that moment, Hermione pointed her wand over her shoulder at him, her book rising up, floating across the room to Harry and hitting him over the head, then flying back to Hermione and settling into her arms.

"STOP DOING THAT!" Harry cried, rubbing the back of his head and staring over at Hermione, then pouting as he bent his head to begin studying again. "Girls…"

Hermione turned on the spot and raised her wand, eyes flashing.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Oh, crap.

* * *

My boyfriend's being neglectful again, so there'll probably be quite a few chapters coming up... not saying how quickly they'll be coming, though.

MadCatta: Mwahahaha! Ye know ye wanted to review, though, because ye knew that in the end, it'd mean that I speak to ye. x3 And yeeeeeah, I'll put more Fred and George in for ye. ... Don't ask why I'm saying 'ye' instead of 'you', though, I just kinda like saying it.

fyren galan: Ehh... I don't know. o.o For the sake of the fangirls, let's say that it doesn't make his crown jewels invisible, it just looks like a thong made out of silvery material. ... *Squeals at the mental image* LICK THE TOAD! Do it for the lulz! And I'll go watch it now~

I'm happy. I have TWO reviewers now.

I feel so loved... *Sniff*

And so should YOU, Aaron!

I don't know anyone called Aaron, but wouldn't it be cool if there's someone reading this who is, and they just suddenly see that they've been told that they should feel loved? That would be awesome. I want that to happen to me one day.

Until the next chapter (which should be arriving soon, maybe)... ADIOS!


	22. Chapter 22

I'm sorry, guys, I had every intention of doing number forty three… but I got there, typed out part of the beginning, then found I had absolutely no idea whatsoever how to continue. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that this will make up for it.

* * *

_Numbers forty three, forty four, forty five, forty six, forty seven, forty eight, and forty nine have been skipped._

**Number Fifty**

_I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter._

"Fred? George?" Harry called out, confused, holding a piece of paper in his hand as he searched for the infamous twins in the Gryffindor common room.

"Alright, Harry?" Fred stated, a questioning expression on his face as he raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, Fred… listen, I-"

"I'm George."

Harry blinked. "Sorry, George. Well, look, I don't suppose-"

"Only joking, I'm Fred really." He interrupted, smirking at the glare that Harry sent his way.

"… whatever. Look, anyway, I received this letter this morning. Something about life insurance…?" He asked, tilting his head slightly to one side and narrowing his eyes a little as Fred laughed.

"Oi, George! Get out here, we got a reply from that insurance place."

As though on cue, George appeared from his dormitory, looking gleeful. "May I…?" He gestured to the paper in Harry's hands, but reached out and took it without waiting for a reply. Almost as soon as he started reading, however, his face fell, and upon handing it to Fred, his brother gave a slight whine.

"Damnit!"

"I'm still here, y'know."

The twins looked up to see Harry glaring at them, arms crossed.

"Is either one of you going to bother telling me what's going on?" He asked, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"Well…"

"… you see…"

They trailed off, each looking at the other, before seeming to reach a silent agreement, George speaking.

"Well, you see, it's like this… we figured that now we've got the joke shop, we're going to be needing more funds, right? And… well…"

Fred cut in and continued.

"And with dear Voldemort alive and kicking now, you… well… you might not be around for much longer."

"Don't get us wrong, Harry, we love having you round, we just… have to think realistically now."

"So we decided to try to take out life insurance against your name, only, unfortunately, they seem to think that battling evil overlords is too risky an occupation and hobby, and they won't insure you."

"Shame, really, 'cause if they had and you'd kicked the bucket, we'd have got a MASSIVE payout."

The twins looked at each other somewhat wistfully for a moment before turning back to Harry and nodding enthusiastically, clearly proud of their plan.

"Well…" Harry paused, considering. "That's all well and good, but what if I'd survived? You'd be paying out loads every year for nothing."

"Aah, see, we prepared for that."

Fred grinned, and Harry suddenly felt very nervous, alone in the room with the two of them.

"… we took out one on Voldemort, too!"

"'Neither can live while the other survives,' it'd have been a guaranteed jackpot!"

…

Miles away, Lord Voldemort was pacing, suddenly looking up as an owl flew in, deposited it's letter, then flew away again as quickly as it could, seeming to sense the evil presence in the room. He snatched the letter up and turned it over, ripping it open and beginning to read.

"… but I didn't apply for life insurance…" He murmured, confused.

* * *

A Very Potter Musical WINS.

It wins like… like… like… THERE IS NOTHING TO COMPARE IT TO.

IT WINS.

Watch it. Now. Do it. Do it. Do it for the lulz!

Thank ye very, very much, fyren galan, for introducing me to it.

YOU WIN, TOO!

Addicted-2-My-Chemical-Romance: Haha, I was listening to Disenchanted when I received the alert saying I had a review from you. And I feel so, so sorry for you. Nobody should be subjected to that. x3 However hilarious it would be for anyone that doesn't know you to see.

MadCatta: Aah, who knows. Technically, I should know... but what the hell. I don't. x3 AND I NOW HAVE MORE LOVE! 8D Here, have a virtual hug. *Hugs* Isn't the internet just so amazing? *Sniff* nwn x3


	23. Chapter 23

Oh god, this was supposed to come much sooner. I don't even have any kind of excuse. Oh well, ye all love me anyway. x3

* * *

_Numbers fifty one, fifty two, fifty three, fifty four and fifty five have been skipped._

**Number Fifty Six**

_I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a 'Big Black Sex Auror.'_

It was late at night, and the members of the Order of the Phoenix were exhausted, though none more than Nymphadora Tonks, who was currently heavily pregnant and refusing to do a damn thing about it, to the dismay of Remus Lupin and others.

"Please, love, take your maternity leave, the Order won't mind…"

Lupin had been repeating those ten words over and over again for the last few weeks, always receiving the same response.

"Not yet."

And so it came to be that the Order of the Phoenix were seated around the large table in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, trying to decide what to do.

"Look, Tonks, I know you hate the idea, but you need some kind of protection."

"Too late for that." George sniggered, pointing at her rounded stomach. Some, like Hagrid, Charlie, Fred, and even Tonks herself chuckled with him, while the others round the table gave sighs of annoyance or impatience, while Lupin glared, thoroughly unamused, at George.

"Well, now that we've all grasped how important this is, we need to assign someone to protect my wife and child." He spoke stiffly, tightly, and George looked down at the table in shame as everyone began speaking at once.

"… can't be Lupin, might let his feelings get in the way of the job…"

"… maybe Bill, definitely strong enough…"

"… she just take maternity leave…?"

"… honestly, love, I'm fine…"

"I'll do it."

The room fell silent. These last words came from none other than Kingsley Shacklebolt, and Lupin turned to Tonks.

"What about Kingsley, my love?"

Tonks shrugged, then grinned.

"Sure, I don't mind being partnered with the Big Black Sex Auror."

* * *

Yeah... it's a bit of a short one. Not much I can do about that now. x3

MadCatta: Okay! Okay! More on the way! *Points to the bottom, to the bit in italics* Read it! You must! D=

Alex: Why thank you! OwO It was a kinda spur of the moment thing, so… yeah…

fanpiregrl15: O.o I see. … x3 That's a very good idea, I'll add it to the list of ones that I'll do after the original list.

fyren galan: IT'S YOU! And the idea of cushiony headgear is very good… o.o I may have to find a way of putting that in. x3 I did that on a Maths thing once, too… can't remember what I got for it. Wasn't a very good mark. x3

And you shouldn't necessarily make more friends, though, just force one of your existing ones to change their name to Aaron. x3 I'm desperately trying to think of a word with only two letters that would have made sense in that sentence and yet needed to be bleeped for that review… =3 And I just love that Draco's a girl in A Very Potter Musical… heh. 'Tis funny. nwn

And in response to your reply to my review, yes, you do have mean friends! D And I loved it, so NYEH. x3 And I love you too… also in a non-stalkerish way. x3

Greefy Fleece: YOU WHORE! Greefy! OwO! You read it! x3 And, er, I hate to break it to you, but not only are Harry Potter fanfictions the best ones I write… they're the ONLY ones I write. Love ye, buddeh~

_All: **READ PLZ!**_

_On Sunday, I'm hopping on a plane and flying across the ocean to visit my boyfriend and his family in America for a week! =3 Unfortunately, this means there won't be any more updates in that time, though… D=_

_I will be writing out more updates by hand, though, so hopefully I'll be able to update fairly quickly when I return._

_=3 Never fear!_


	24. Chapter 24

Oh dear god.

o.o Please don't hurt me.

I honestly did mean to update sooner! I did! I promise!

I just… couldn't… for various reasons…

And everything's going to be somewhat hectic over the next few years…

I'll update as often as I can, I promise. Thank you to everyone who's still sticking with me.

nwn;

_Numbers fifty seven and fifty eight have been skipped._

**Number fifty nine**

_I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor._

"Alright, guys, before I forget, for homework-"

A collective groan went up round the room, and Fred raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to die slowly and painfully of boredom?"

There was a scattered response of whines and muttered replies, and Fred nodded. "Exactly. So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, homework tonight is to practice the spell on at least one first year."

The first years, mainly at the back of the crowd due to having been shoved there by the older students, now gave high-pitched squeals of fear and indignation, quietening down as the second years and up turned and glared at them to shut up.

"Right, so then, now that that's out of the way, let's begin! All of you pair up, and then practice casting the spell on each oth-"

_"MR WEASLEY, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"_

Fred flinched at the sound, and turned slowly on his makeshift podium to meet the icy glare of Professor McGonagall.

"Well… see, professor…"

"No! No! I don't want to know! Just… just… just write lines… you're not… allowed to do, or be, this… oh, god, I need a drink…"

She turned on her heel and fled, leaving Fred and the other students dumbfounded and staring after her. George, who had remained uncharacteristically quiet by Fred's side for most of this time, was the first to recover, and clapped his hands, turning back to the others, who turned to look at him.

"So, then, as we were saying…"


End file.
